Immediately after a break up, the strong desire is usually there to get back with your ex. This is particularly so if you were the one who was dumped.

Feeling depressed is quite normal, although everybody is different. There are some things you can do at this stage, to try to get your ex back. But there are some things you might do that will drive your ex even further away, even though you are trying to get back with them.

Sometimes the advice you get is to follow your heart. To do what your instincts tell you. Now, I am certainly not here to try to tell you what to do. You must make up your own mind, and then live with your actions.

However, my advice, which you can take or leave, is to consider doing exactly the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do for a period of time. Listen, before discounting what I’m saying.

Perhaps you feel like calling your ex to talk things through. Perhaps you feel, because you are depressed, that you should stay inside all day and stay away from people because you are not good company and you don’t want to bother your friends. To both, the answer is a resounding no.

Instead, consider the following:

This is really a break up. Look, the situation is beyond that point at this stage, whether you like it or not. Ultimately you might be able to get back with your ex, but for now you need to simply accept that you are in the middle of a break up.

Whether or not you reconcile, you need to go through the process of accepting that things have come to this point. You also need to allow your ex to go through the same process. If both of you go through this process, and realize that there is something worth saving, then you will both be in the right frame of mind to attempt reconciliation. I cannot stress enough that there is great benefit to going through that mental process, and doing it while separated from your ex. It is a time to consider options. Accept the reality of the current circumstances. Only then is it the right time to consider the next steps.

A time of no communication is beneficial. Let us face facts. Past communications got you where you are now – broken up. Different behaviours are necessary in the future to achieve reconciliation. Stay away and don’t communicate – at least for a cooling-off period.

Get out with your friends. Do not be afraid to let them know you are depressed and need their support, but be open to relaxing and having fun. Nobody likes people who are down all the time. But everybody understands that their friends go through times when they need support. I believe we all have many acquaintances, and some of those are good friends. This is the time to find out who your real friends are. You will find that some are “fair weather” friends, who are only there for you when times are good and you are fun to be around. But you will also find out who your true friends are. These are the ones who are there to support you in bad times as well as good times. This is a two sided process, so value this information. These people should be here for you and support you. It takes a disaster, or a terrible event, to find out who your true friends are. But it is invaluable to know. Enjoy their real friendship, and depend on them now. Record who the not so genuine friends are as well.

So you see that you can put the terrible time immediately after a break up to good use. Recharge the batteries, validate your real friends, and take time for accepting the current predicament. Then you can work from a solid base to get your relationship back.

The author operates a Get Your Ex Back resource website.

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